Existing lies.

A conversation with Colby, and I figured it out. My perpetual struggle to be as honest as I can be has always failed because we are existing lies. Everyone lies, just by socially interacting. You can't be honest with everyone, because you're bound to say something that doesn't agree with someone else, then you're in trouble. Honesty isn't nice. No one really wants to hear the truth, when I lie pleases them so much more.

I can't tell someone I don't like hanging out with them because they make me uncomfortable, I think they're obnoxious, or it's just too much work to hang out. I can't even have the feelings I have because there seems to be a statue of limitations of emotions. I can't have feelings for someone I haven't seen in years, I can't have feelings for someone I only knew briefly, and I most certainly can't hate someone I once cared deeply for. But I think I'm getting the hang of it anyway, atleast in Dan's case, but that's what I was supposed to do, right? I'm not supposed to care for him, so not caring for him, is the correct thing to do.

The hanging out with people being difficult is a problem for me, because there are some really fun things I do when I am social. Like Market Days on Sunday. That was fun. I saw men in drag, dressed like Hedwig and Bernice from Priscilla. It was fabulous. I don't know what it is about men in drag, especially older men, who are a little pudgy.

Then there was watching Tommy and Gale pinch the butt of a cute blond guy in a untility kilt. That was great too. Loud gay men are wonderful, especially when they crack jokes about being the only guy in a group of girls. Like it matters. hehe

Then there are people like Todd, who I'm thankful to have in my life, because we bonded so well Day One, but now I feel like because we haven't been able to hang out at all, we always seem to talk about the one thing that brought us together, and well, Mr. Josh Weckesser already has enough ego for the world. My last conversation with Todd, I kept thinking, I'm so glad we're talking about something else, but then he had to go. I'd like to hang out with him more, but now he's in New York, which ironically, gives him a better chance to see me, than when he lived in Champaign.

But I've also become terrible at talking on aim. It's like I can't hold a decent conversation like I was once able to, so I don't know why I even install aim on my computer, except in the hope that I am able to keep in touch with these people.

Thos distant people equally Jason Forester, Jon Lillard, Jon Legat, Bret Swanson, Brian Tracy, Chad Ramos, etc. Yeah, maybe I'm not in too much danger of losing Brian, but the others I never talk to otherwise. But I know if I made a better attempt at doing things outside of my house, I wouldn't have to rely on aim, or the internet.

Speaking of Jason F, I really want to have a party for him. Apparently his computer sucks big time. I think a fund raiser party for him would be such a great idea, and I miss him. I have people like him in my life, that I've been able to get along really well with, bond with, but never see anymore. The only reason we lost touch was because I moved away from Dekalb, and his computer sucks. /sigh.

Tonight I was watching That 70's Show. It was the episode Ben was in. It made me miss Ben a little. There was no reason for me to lose touch with him, well, other than Erin, who I still can't not be mad at. So part of me wants to call him, to say, I'm sorry for whatever, how are you?

If I could live my life, so open, so honestly, I wouldn't have to worry about whether or not I was holding onto people in my life, because I'm sure I'd lose quite a few more. But what the hell, let's get a few things out anyway.

One) I don't think I like Dan anymore, in any context. Especially if anything Vanessa told me about him is true, but that doesn't stop me from having certain feelings. Like, when I lie next to Kiel at night, and the way the shadows his face, and his eye smiles just like Dan's. And I hold onto that, and it makes me feel good, even if I'm embracing a trait I saw in one person, but it does carry over into the other. I couldn't like something about Kiel if it wasn't there to begin with, right? But it's not something I'd go out and tell him. Oh Kiel, I like to stare at your eye and bathe in the warmth of your smiling eyes, even though the way they smiled reminds me of ...

Two)Josh, you're annoying as hell, I can't stand the way you act around girls, and I can't believe I dated you, but more so, I can't believe I'm still curious about...

Three) ______, please leave me alone. I don't know what you thought we had, but I don't want it. I don't mind if you're my friend, but I hate the way you stare at me. It's creepy. I hate to think that you think about me, like that.

Four) I would honestly rather be a lesbian than to deal with the gross crap I have to deal with when a boy likes me.

I have two auditions this weekend. One for a movie, one for a play my friend Colby is putting together. I'd like both. I'd like to work on a stage with Colby. I think it would be fun, but that doesn't stop me from being nervous and start to think about how much I probably suck as an actress. I don't mind going up there and acting like I'm ok, and confident, but when it's over, I could still suck. And getting off the stage, and having even a whisper of that come back to me, would make me crawl back into a hole.
I auditioned for a play that Josh was lighting, and I got understudy. I officially quit it because I had to work nights for my dad, and there was no way he was going to support me long enough to do the play, but also, I quit because I was so disappointed in getting understudy. I kept thinking, I got understudy just because Josh was lighting it, and they didn't want to upset him, not that he would have been upset. Honestly, I don't think he EVER cared enough about me to actually give a shit about anything. Which is why I hate myself for feeling feelings I shouldn't.
Did I get a role because of who I knew? And even though I know that's how this biz works, it's all about who you know, can I be satisfied with that? I would never feel good about myself if my personality and my connections and not my talent made it for me.

I have to stop now.