I don't know what I was thinking when I thought I could put off my monologue until five hours before my audition. Maybe I thought I was just going to use the insanely obnoxious monologue I saw in Borders, without even memorizing that one. It was really simple, describe your morning in short, terrible sentences. I woke up. Pushed back the covers. Got out of bed. Went to the kitchen. Took out the milk. Got a pan. Poured milk into it. Except this much. That is for the cat. etc...

Instead, I'm going with a manic one I found that might be more age appropriate, even though the obnoxious one can be age appropriate if I make it that way. I could drone it out, then would be terrible, but, and I hate to say it, I'd use Carrie from TSA as my inspiration.

Last night I had a dream I was back at NIU, only the campus was more like a sub-division. I was waiting to get into the cafeteria, but Michelle didn't show up to let me in. You only had to flash your ID and resident pass. I could have faked it, but I didn't. When she did show up, it was late, and I just left, without talking to her really. I felt kinda bad. I was walking around campus, trying to get back to Josh's.

When I woke up, I couldn't help wondering what my Dekalb like would have been like if my dad wasn't such an influence on my life. He really messed certain things up for me. He pressured me toward Chris, while Yessica insisted that Josh and I were in love. My dad did not like Josh at all. Thought he was snobby. Mostly because Josh never talked to him. He'd always go straight toward my room, even when I wasn't readily available. But Josh isn't totally great with families. I remember talking to his mom more than him, on certain visits to Normal.

Christ, but the point should be, why these dreams? We saw Boomstick! last night, and one of the Deadites had Josh's build exactly. I thought it was him, under that mask. And I wanted to tell Josh that he didn't have giantism, he was like every other tall, skinny boy I know. But he grew up thinking he was an elf, so I wouldn't want to take that away from him. If only he was nerdier, in personality, then I wouldn't have had to learn to hate parts of him. But maybe it's just that I can't stand theatre people. Love the stage, hate the people on it. I know they're supposed to be weird, and live life differently, but they live it obnoxiously. With all that's fake in the world, it's only worse to find substance in an actor. They're whole life is based on benig something that's not real.
I used it to escape myself. It's easier to be someone else, than to own up to who you are. Not that being who you are is bad, but it's fun to shake it up, without being a poser and rebuying your whole wardrobe every six months to change images.
And this is the point where I see that this is my therapy. Aren't you lucky, you get to read what is normally confidential. Me, rambling, sometimes mindlessly, only it's not to a therapist for $300 an hour.

Too bad I can't just ramble for my monologue. I'm sure I could get two minutes of something out there. But the key is, the person I'm auditioning for is 'obnoxious'. I have to work along those lines. I should have asked what the show was. But it's like me to just run blindly...into oncoming traffic.