If I feel in love with you, would you promise to be true, and help me understand. Cause I fell in love before and I found that love was more than just holding hands... -Beatles.


Had a dream about Dave Ramirez last night. Woke up and just thought about the time in the ROTC room where he grabbed the belt on my jumper and pulled me into his lap. Times like that when my bliss was so simple, and yet, so provocative. And now Dave is going to become a pastor. Pity. But they can get married, right? Now that I've talked to Dave in years, but I swear, I was totally prepared to marry him in highschool, and have his children, and worship the ground he walked on, no pun intended.

I had it bad for Dave. I had it bad for a few people in my life. Seems the only cure if for them to be OUT of my life. I even find myself falling back for another ex of mine, and desperately trying to convince myself that it would be worse than the headaches I seem to get everyday.

So I think of happier things. Like my friend Julia, who is going to grad shcool in London. Well, that isn't happier, because I'd rather be going myself. I do have a plan. It involves a suitcase and a limber body. Thing I could survive 15 hours in a cramped position? It would be worth it. Then again, the airport might have a problem with her loading a suitcase with a body in it. Maybe I'll have to have myself shipped in a casket, so there isn't any question. How symbolic would that be? Death from one life, to a fresh beginning in another.

I have to stay in Chicago, until I get my massage certification. Then I can go where ever I want, because I'll have the means, all in my fingers.

Just please let me make it to Europe before I'm 30.


I want to throw a party, but my house is so small, and cluttered, and a friend of my distainfully said once. That can't be helped, we're the storage company for four other people as well as our own. But I would like to throw a party. One with hopefully a hiring turn out that the last one. That was the most depressing thing that legitimately happened to me in a long while. I understand reasons why it happened that way, but all those reasons came from myself. Well, except for two excuses I received from two people I had invited. Other than that, no word. Not even from a particular person who seems to always be so nerve wrecked about not hanging out with me.

I'll be switching screen names soon. So I can open my screen name up again, instead of blocking everyone not on my list, to prevent creepy stalkers from contacting me. In the process, I'll be deleting some people, because seeing there SNs on, and not talking to them, is like, what's the point? Of course I'll send a note out, letting people know that is happening, but all in all...I feel like, it doesn't really matter.

Nothing really matters...to me...(queen)

I have an audition at 6:20 tonight. I think I'm starting to get nervous. I wouldn't be so nervous if Colby hadn't sent me more sides, and tried to give me pointers on how to audition. Now I feel like I'm going to go in there and be the worst. Atleast if I read it cold, I couldn't get yelled at for doing it wrong, but now that I have an idea of what they're looking for, I feel like I'm going to screw it all up.

Dammit.

It's even worse that Colby is excited to see me 'acting' cause he says he hasn't yet. But just because we're friends, doesn't mean I'm good. So I'm really worried about sucking big time in front of him, when I've had all these other chances in life to hear that I'm no good and no one has told me.

Atleast, I have people excited about my photoshoot. I guess I'm getting excited too, cause now I want to do stuff like supermodel shots, and crazy anime shots.

And this is where I'd hyperventilate. I shouldn't be nervous. I wasn't nervous saturday, because it didn't mean anything, this audition was no big deal. If I made it, good, if not, no big loss, but now I'm going to be judged, but a friend. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I can't...breathe...that's a lie, i can, I'm just nervous..