Breaking my back just to know your name.

Somebody told me you had a boyfriend that looked like a girlfriend.

It's not confidential, I've got potential.

***

I get home and wonder what that strong smell is in my house.

I also get home at 7am. Zero sleep, have to leave in 15 mins to go to class. Yeah, I totally just woke up at 11, missing my lecture.

Work, then BWW's to get massage feedback from Eric. Which turned into a frozen screwdriver, which later became a Mai Tai that Eric had to tell the bartender how to make. It was yummy. But so is Eric...I mean...um...

I felt so girly special too, when I didn't even have to pay for said two drinks. <3 /faint, like Angie in Shark Tale everytime Oscar did something in her direction.

Eric asked me, 'Are you Jonesin' to go home?' The answer was a no, after I said, 'Did you just say Jonesin'?'

Following Brent, led to make playing with Frank. This was also coupled with some twisted mandarins of mine from the party Eric had had before. We watched Snatch, then Lost Boys then Frank peed on me. Which was fine cause Eric lent me a sweater, which I swear I wasn't ENTIRELY ridiculously sniffing on my drive home.

-Someone must have loved you, not the way that I do-
(missing what I'm trying to say, ain't nothing getting in my way)
Found a small Eric fact out. A girl broke his heart over the summer. Told him she was no longer attracted to him. He showed me a pic of himself with shorter hair. He looked so different, but it didn't change the fact that he's under my skin now. He can claim to be American all he wants, but the Russian in him is a good reason to Bond girl it up for me...or visa versa, or you know what, who cares, he's yummy, and that's all I have to say about that. Even if he did pass out and leave Brent with saying bye to me, just as well, if I didn't have class, I might have just crashed on the couch, but then again, there is something to leaving in the middle of the night.

Not that it was really the middle of the night, 7 fucking AM in the morning I get home.

Man, I really really need to either stop drinking, make a move, or move into school.

But I smell like Frank and his dust bath, which was amazingly cute. Even the Frank sleeping in my sleeve was great, til he peed on me...

So I'm going to go shower, then race my ass to school, mostly just to pay my freaking tuition tonight. Fuck...I need more sleep, less alcohol, more music and dark brown eyes...

Last night I was at Eric's birthday party (after an always enjoyable night of work, of course). It was jolly good fun. I gave like 12 massages, and had two 1/2 oz shots of Jaegermeister. Including one with my manager Mike.

Eric liked the Spaz Juice and Bamboo plant I gave him, although, toward the end of the night he had forgotten what I had given him.

Down side? I saw the girls strip Eric down to his underwear, or mostly just taking off his pants, and it reminded me of Chris Wright, and that was kind of like, do I really want to like a guy the girls play with like that?

The perks? All the people I actually got to talk to because of massage, including this other Eric that was teaching me some things he was learning, and Partick, who I never really talked to before, and Stefanie 'Tits' who is really fun. She poured the Jaeger.

Eric did keep stealing my pacman barettes, but in the end, he had to give them back cause I took his keys while he was stumbling around drunk. Funnier yet was watching him try to get upstairs to get the keys from me.

Kiel would have had some good time fun if he wasn't at home moping. !!!!!!

The corelation between the X-Men and Rocky Horror is amazing, and my bagel tasted lightly of garlic.

Nemesis04: don't be cynical of love, fall in love and have your heart broken over and over and over again
infiniteiota: i get excited about things
infiniteiota: but i'm not going to throw my heart into a blender
Nemesis04: that's the thing is you don't know if its a blender or a pillow, so your getting to afraid to throw it at all
infiniteiota: is it possible, for people to change enough that what once was might not be again?


*just some thought I don't want to forget*

At work today, I served a table with a spiritist sitting at it. She grabbed my hand while I was taking their order and began telling me things. She said I had someone in my life, someone close who I had had a relationship with that left me emotionally scared. She said I had given 150 percent and he only gave 2 percent. I was surprised at this. She said she was getting such strong vibrations from me, and wanted to give me a reading while she was watching the movie.

I told this to Jeremy, who is also into such things, and I told him how part of me was interested in hearing more, especially if she could tell me what to do or what might happen, but part of me was afraid to find out what I didn't want to hear. So I didn't get a further reading, but I do still have her card. I would like to have a spiritist friend.

For right now, I'm going to sit here, with a mudslide in my hand, and think about the difference between drinking it now, and drinking it then.

It's quiet now
And what it brings
Is everything

Comes calling back
A brilliant night
I'm still awake

I looked ahead
I'm sure I saw you there

You don't need me
To tell you now
That nothing can compare

You might have laughed if I told you
You might have hidden A frown
You might have succeeded in changing me
I might have been turned around

It's easier to leave than to be left behind
Leaving was never my proud
Leaving New York, never easy
I saw the light fading out

Now life is sweet
And what it brings
I tried to take
But loneliness
It wears me out
It lies in way

And all not lost
Still in my eyes
The shadow of necklace
Across your thigh
I might've lived my life in a dream, but I swear
This is real
Memory fuses and shatters like glass
Mercurial future, forget the past
It's you, it's what I feel.

You might have laughed if I told you (it's pulling me apart)
You might have hidden a frown (change)
You might have succeeded in changing me (it's pulling me apart)
I might have been turned around (change)

It's easier to leave than to be left behind (it's pulling me apart)
Leaving was never my proud (change)
Leaving New York, never easy (it's pulling me apart)
I saw the light fading out
You find it in your heart, it's pulling me apart
You find it in your heart, change...

I told you, forever
I love you, forever
I told you, I love you
I love you, forever
I told you, forever
You never, you never
You told me forever

You might have laughed if I told you
You might have hidden the frown
You might have succeeded in changing me
I might have been turned around

It's easier to leave than to be left behind (it's pulling me apart)
Leaving was never my proud (change)
Leaving New York never easy (it's pulling me apart)
I saw the life fading out (change)
Leaving New York, never easy (it's pulling me apart)
I saw the light fading out (change)
Leaving New York never easy (it's pulling me apart)
I saw the life fading out (change)

Don’t wish it away
Don’t look at it like it’s forever
Between you and me I could honestly say
That things can only get better

And while I’m away
Dust out the demons inside
And it won’t be long before you and me run
To the place in our hearts where we hide

And I guess that’s why they call it the blues
Time on my hands could be time spent with you
Laughing like children, living like lovers
Rolling like thunder under the covers
And I guess that’s why they call it the blues

Just stare into space
Picture my face in your hands
Live for each second without hesitation
And never forget I’m your man

Wait on me girl
Cry in the night if it helps
But more than ever I simply love you
More than I love life itself

I saw my life, tonight, as it could be, in another dimension/lifeline.

I was married. In a beaufiful wooden floored home. There was a poet, cast in shadows, the hero to my heroine. I was happy.

Reality hit, crashing in with the slamming of a door.

I found myself, lost and alone.

Answers poured out to me, re-affirming everything I had held to be true. And 45 minutes before the confrontation could occur, I fled.

In doing so, with pen and paper, I give you me heart and soul:

'If there are words to describe how I'm feeling, I'm not writer enough to compose them.'

'Human connection.'

'Life makes so much sense at five o'clock in the morning.'

'My life is filled with ghosts.'

'Tears are a water no life thrives off.'

'Sadness is feeling with your eyes open.'

'When innocence is lost,
debauchery has a map.'