A dildo and a body pillow with replace my need for a boyfriend/girlfriend, but nothing can replace what a friend can do for me.

So, I just got off the phone with James, and I'm a little sniffly. He started asking me about Dustin, in an attempt to move my relationship with James to some different ground, and I started tearing up. I hate this. I meet someone really fun to talk to, hang out with, listens to great music, and he wants a relationship, and I just need a friend.
I need a friend so badly I'm going to cry myself to sleep.

I'm going to think about the text messages I got tonight, and cry, because they're mostly all from people who like me.

Is this what I see in Eric? Someone who doesn't like me? Someone I could hang out with and it doesn't have to turn to let's get together?

I don't mean to take this all for granted, or sound whiny, or gift horse/mouth, whatever, but I'm really really torn up inside. I just want to cry, and be alone, because there isn't just a some one who doesn't want to be my someone out there. I'm done with love. I'm done with romantic notions. I just want a hug and a laugh. And a hand holding a box of kleenex and my own.

Turning my mouse into a left handed mouse has made even more Mac like, cause now I don't 'right click' at all.

Working on my Harley Quinn costume. I'm glad Kiel came over and motivated me to shop for it, cause now I'll have another cool cosplay item in my collection.

I'm pretty sure I told Eric I'd make his costume too, Lucky Bear, so that means Monday, I'll probably be back at the fabric store, to find green fuzzy stuff. Thankfully I have a huge CareBear, compliements of Megan (where the hell are you, girl?) to use as a model for the head.

I think I really just needed something other than school and work. Costumes! Genius!

Eric is/was an amazing artist. Now he just drinks. It's such a shame when talent is wasted. I mean, some day Kiel is going to want to keep some of his own art work. =P

But seriously, any photographers out there think you can take a pic of a painting for me? I really like the discovering a universe one that Eric painted.

Any artists out there want to create 'spacey' works for me, I'd love them all!!

*hug*

School was long and just about exhausting, considering I started out tired. Think I got about 50 on my test. Just as well, I didn't get to study at all. Yesterday I actually thought about leaving the school. But I should stick it out, get this damn certification, so I don't have to start this shit all over again.
Eric (massage eric) told me he thinks my school is better than his. I think he gives better massages than I do. Maybe it is individual basis, but he doesn't seem as discouraged as I do. Then again, he has the time to study and whatnot.

After class I rushed out to Woodridge to massage Hugh, the guy who sold me my massage table. He's cute in a way, not my type kinda way though. He's got a little boy named Tyler, who is pretty adorable too. Especially when a couple girls showed up (there were three guys there already) and Tyler started saying 'i'm a giggalo.'
I think that massage went pretty well. I could have kept going, but I didn't wanted to be late for Tem America.
Ok, let me rephrased that. I didn't want to be late to meet up with James and bartender Eric.

I got there about a minute late too.
We watched some previews, I had a fag drink, and James and I proceeded to butcher the movie as we saw fit. We both had seen it, and weren't really interested in seeing it again. Eric yelled at us for talking, says Hollywood people have been fired before for talking. So James and I left and went to Fridays.
Buffalo Chicken tastes like ass there, don't order it.

Then back to Hollywood, then to Meijer's, then to Eric's. Eric had a bit too much to drink, and even though he and I banter, he got carried away. I actually felt a little like crying, so I got up and left the room for a minute, James followed, not that I really needed cheering up or anything, I just needed to step back. Eric was drunk, so what did he know, and I only let it get to me so much because I like/d Eric.
James was telling me about Eric's straight edge days, and I felt like I missed out on a good thing.

We stayed a but longer, talked to massage Eric, I got a really cool lemon wedgie pic for my car, then we left. Stealing bartender Eric's only porn. hahahaha

On the way home, Brian calls me, and I wanted to talk to him, but then after talking to him, I couldn't handle the conversation. Was I upset about what had happened between Brian and I, or was I more more upset about the Eric and I thing? I'm pretty sure I don't want a relationship with Brian. He and I shouldn't have even gone as far as we did before. But it didn't mean I wasn't hurt by it, or rather, not really hearing from him until last night. He said about the same about me, about my not calling him, but really, what did we have to say to eachother? 'Wow, we're physically uncompatible these days. And this dead horse broke our last stick.'

I get ready for bed and have a text from Eric. He's trying to ask about what happened. Then asks if I took advantage of him, cause his special place feels funny. I tell him to drink some water and go to bed. He said he wasn't that drunk then he asks if I'm into James. I told him I WAS into him (eric). He replied, 'was?' I said, yeah you said some pretty mean things tonight. He said he was really sorry, and something. I said goodnight, eric. And closed my phone. He replied goodnight, then sometime this morning sent another text about how he's confused about somethings and he's really sorry.

He's already told me he's working front bar tonight, so I really don't have to worry about seeing him at all, cause I'll be in blue.

Tomorrow I might be going to a Chix Mix party, this time just to play Texas Hold em. So if any 21+ wanna join me, let me know. (no Kiel, that's not a hit on you, it's legit only 21+)

Maybe there are too many drinkers in my life right now. What happened to the part of my life that had been so much fun without influences. My straight edge life was pretty amazing. Substitute alcohol for a stage life? No, can't do that now without drinking. I fucking hate actors.

Frank died. The first person Eric called was me. I could hear the tears in his voice, and more than anything I wanted to run to him, and hold him. Instead, I stayed at Vincent's, drinking til 8am.

I've been at Vincent's/with Vince over 24 hours, including work.

I knew Eric would be at work today, and this caused my stomach to tumble, flip flop, and go nuts. My heart sank only a little when he wasn't in the same well. It took a nose dive when I found out he wasn't going to Vincent's afterwards. Just as well, he wasn't feeling good, and drinking while sick isn't a good solution.

I swear I can still smell Frank, but that could also be the combination of not showering for two days, pop and beer spilled on me, and whatever else.

I did hug Eric at work today when I saw him. I didn't know what else to do. I felt so sad when I looked at him. He smelled wonderful, I probably smelled like barf.

Eloquently put...I thought so myself.

I need sleep, more than pining, but the two shall go hand in hand no doubt.

As Vince put it, with Frank dead, I'll have no more alibi to hang out with Eric. Not that any of this should have a good connotation. I'm going to miss Frank, but that didn't stop my Karma confused mind from wondering if this link of Eric's past dying( big metaphor in the literal) wasn't giving way for a future...

Neither he nor I, can use Frank as a barrier, and excuse. It's all or nothing, and I was up $2 tonight.