Quiet Girl


What kind of little girl were YOU?
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Eric's things are all packed up on the porch.

I'm not sure how to feel.

I'm not going through more wishy washy uncertainty. He's the one that thought our one actual fight meant our relationship was on the rocks. He's the one that threw in the towel. He's the one that can't seem to grow up enough to handle a real relationship.

He sent me plenty of texts, crying and apologizing. He misses me, loves me, would die for me, doesn't know what he'll do without me. If that's how he really feels, then maybe he should have had some tact in his previous texts. Mad or not, you don't compare you're current girlfriend to your worst ex. Mad or not, you don't suggest breaking up, unless the thought was in your mind already.

Josh and I broke up because of a fight, but it wasn't our only fight, and we should never have gotten back together again.

From that experience, I've learn not to take anyone back. When it's over, it's over, even if it didn't have to be.

(You were thinking, you only just learned this lesson with Josh? Well, I guess there will always be a soft spot in my heart for Brian...)

I'm not going to text Eric about his stuff until I'm on my way to school. I don't want to see him. I don't know if it's cowardice, but I haven't cried yet. I've been strong and I don't want to cave because he's 'sorry.'

Do I wish he hadn't said certain things yesterday, so that we'd probably be EQ-ing it up right now? Not really. I don't waste my wishes on things that couldn't be. He needed to know that he's a baby. He needs to know that he's wasting his life and not accomplishing anything by sitting around all day, napping or playing video games.

All my music isn't making me feel better either. I can't seem to find the song or the band or the sound that will just lift me enough to smile at school.

Eric and I are in the middle of a fight. I think we're breaking up. It's not really bothering me, because he's the one who suggested it, and he's the one being a baby.

It started with a comment about how he couldn't capitalize his EQ characters name in multiple places, to the names he thinks that are stupid that parent's named their kids, because in Enlish they seem ridiculous. I couldn't believe how ignorant he was being. As soon as the car stopped in front of my house, I got out. Not a minute later, he was driving away. Ten or so PM he texts me, saying he can't be mad at me, loves me, misses me. I didn't get it, cause the volumn on my phone was off. His next text was how he was staying at his grandma's. I text him about how he needs to go to the New Orleans meeting tonight, to tell Heather (who can be really hard to get a hold of) that we aren't going, because someone else was depending on us for a ride. He won't go. I tell him he dodges responsibilities. He claims I don't love him, and that I'm dwelling on New Orleans. I tell him he's changing the subject, once again dodging, and this goes on for awhile, before he starts talking about picking up his stuff and us breaking up. Then he even goes to say that he's been putting up with me because he loves me (earlier saying he loves my faults-but not mentioning them) and says that I'm worse than he worst ex-girlfriend. I tell him to fuck off for saying that, and that I'll have his stuff ready for him to pick up.

Now he's crying about how I never loved him, and why can't we make our relationship work. Our first fight, and he's already thrown in the towel. He says he doesn't want to break up, now, but still wants an apology from me about a fight he started of his own ignorance. I'm not going through emotional-relationship bullshit, because he's a baby. I'm not his babysitting, and I refuse to be his mother.

He complained about the decline in our relationship without even thinking that maybe clingy immature boys aren't sexy. He complained about how much I talked about 'bartender eric' without wondering why I prefered the fantasy over the reality. And now he claims I have been dating him long enough to know who he is, and that he won't change. Relationships are about compromise, but so is life.

He's jobless now, soon to be homeless, and he doesn't see any flaw in the way he's living his life?

He told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. After the comment about comparing me to his worst ex-girlfriend, he'll be lucky if we hang out again.

Just texted me, he says he's going to throw up and cry himself to sleep. Maybe I should tell him to run to Mary Kay's angel arms...

And so I did.

Fuck guys and their bullshit.

It reminds me of Josh. I hated his bullshit. I hated that feeling that i was worthless unless he was fucking me. I hated that almost daily rejection I felt from him. I hated the feeling that I needed someone.

I don't. And I certainly don't have to put up with someone's diapers and pacifier.

Life will get harder before it's easier. And that's only because I don't have a car to drive myself to school.

Haven't really had computer access the beginning of this year. Too much shit going down. Too much shit all around.

Took until last week for me to get over Hollywood. Mike told us that Cheri had told Pete that we weren't allowed in Hollywood anymore, because she heard us talking shit about it. For starters, we weren't, atleast not there. Secondarily, Eric was talking shit about Nonnie's, for firing him over nothing. Mike said he'd straighten it out, but frankly, I don't want to be there. Cheri told the managers we weren't allowed there anymore. That place isn't that great, so fuck em.

Not going to New Orleans anymore either. Can't afford it. Doesn't help knowing that Eric could have had a job if he answered a certain phone call from over a week ago. Now he's being a slacker about going in to fill out the job application.

It's frustrating to say the least.

Two more weeks left of this mod. Two weeks that would have been one week, if Jason wasn't a fucking asshole. In theory, I could have afforded the trip, but I paid him off instead. Better to never talk to him again, I guess.

Started swimming yesterday. It feels really good. The work out. The burn. It'll be nice, too, little things that seperate Eric and I. It's not that I don't like him, it's just that I can't be around any one person all the time. No matter who you are, I need a break. Alone time. These days, it's non-EQ alone time. I really don't like his complaints about the game. He's a very spoiled newb.

Gotta clean, gotta enjoy the weather. Gotta stop being so sore from sleeping on the futon of death.

Gotta post some pictures on this thing. Somehow.