I'm going to an audition this weekend. Somehow.
It's in Lisle, but I'm really excited about it. There is a role for a Russian actress from the 3's/40's in it. I love just saying her name in an accent, 'Reveka, Reveka.'

I'm already thinking about what I could wear.

Although, I really don't like the audition piece. I don't want to audition for the role of a weenie heart sick girl, I want to audition for the role of a commanding enchantress. I want to have lines that end in the tone of HA! You pathetic Fool!

I want to bring a thunder to the stage with her presence.

So now I just have to figure out how to make lightning strike with a weenie girl...

Thanks to Kori, Marilyn Manson has been in my head for days. Not actual Marilyn Manson, but his cover of Tainted Love.
'I love you though you hurt me so.'

Why do I get this feeling, this burning need to hold someone's affection. It's never the someone I have around me. It's always a someone from my past. Someone, maybe, whose affection I never really had.
Then there is the mystery, the poetry, the romance, of an unsolved love affair. At first, I thought it was song lyrics, even now, I still hope that's the case, because then I could listen to the song. But then I wonder, what if it was more. What if it was something momentous that I missed out on. It seems though that all my romances, as well as some of the great fictional ones, involve a missed connection. That's the key, isn't it? Leave them wanting for more.

I'm current unsatisfied. I am trying to fulfill myself, but in the process of change, pain lingers. At first, it will be someone else's pain, then it will be my own, then, the longing. The longing always follows. Maybe not for everyone, but for everyone worth considering.

If I try, I know none of this has to happen, but if I don't do anything, I'll be right here, with the flame waiting for burn so bright, and the dreams untold.

Follow through, finish something, accomplish a goal. Maybe I feel so hollow because I am empty inside. Maybe if I can fill myself up with somethingness, I won't feel so useless.

Definition. I need less 'I don't knows,' 'maybes,' and 'what ifs.' Why can't more be less?

Even now, as I write, there is a sense of lacking. There is some great note I'm trying to write, some great epiphany I'm trying to gain, and all that I feel is hidden. More secrets.

Last night the urge to write hit me. I should write more. I know there is something in me. Always something trying to get out.

Maybe I can write here. Turn all my energies into words. Words of longing. Maybe I should just write. Write for me, because in the end, that's who really cares.

I care. I care for something I can't define. Words have no meaning when pure emotion is involved. I feel.

I feel.

My mom must be in a helluva mood today. Pretty much yelled at me any time I was near her. I know I wouldn't be in this mess if Hollywood wasn't run but an idiot and apparently the idiot's bitchy fiancee. Went to a mostly Hollywood employee party last night. Didn't get there til about 3am. About an hour later the party broke up. It was mostly just a social occasion. All they had was beer.
It's nice to see everyone but at the same time, I feel out of place. Andrew was there, telling us how pissed off Heather is at us about New Orleans. Andrew couldn't see why, as we agreed, we did pay her over $200 bucks to enjoy a mostly empty hotel. Plus, we didn't even ask for money for not going, even though we've been mostly broke this year. I think we basically told Andrew we really didn't care if she was mad at us, Eric said she ruined Tuesday Night Club. (in all reality, being broke probably did, but Heather was so non-commital about it in action.)

Perhaps, in another week, I might think about starting up the Tueday Night Club again. Maybe now that I'm no longer playing EQ (that's right, I said it) we'll have the boredom factor to motivate ourselves to do something outside of our computers. I'm already in almost desperate search of a new game. My current wallpaper, which is always solid black, is now Mesmer, from GuildWars. Really, it's the mask that draws me.

This Tuesday, we'll be apartment viewing. Even if it turns out to be perfect, we can't afford it right away. Eric's next paycheck, however, might be mammoth, considering his first one was rather lacking. I'd love to shoot for a June 15th move in. Just to focus on saving money, and getting the hell out of my mom's living room. Especially now so that we have two chinchillas hiding out in the basement.

Ah well, wish us luck.