I think suicidal thoughts are a good thing. They give you a great chance, every once in awhile, to put things in perspective.

For instance:

Right now, my life feels unproductive and wasteful. I go to class for four hours a day, every weekday, and listen to my classmates make jackasses of themselves, while not actually doing any sort of work. Then, I go home, and sit in front of my computer until I'm tired enough to go to bed and start the cycle over again.

I think about killing myself just to get out of the mundane. My life has become an uninspired cycle of nothingness. Even when I make plans to do thing, to break the mold, they fall through because in this day and age you need money and a mode of transportation to do anything. I have neither.

I can't get a job, because I'm in school between 1st and second shift, and if I got a third shift job, I'd never sleep, and I probably wouldn't be able to get myself there anyway.

I sat in front of my computer today, not even going outside to the basement to do laundry, because the neighbors were having a party and I didn't want them to see me...doing nothing.

I'm drinking a Malibu and pineapple, alone, because I don't know what else to do.

i'm trying to think of messed up things I can do in the Sims2, because I've been playing it so much it's getting boring.

I've organized Eric's life so much, he really doesn't need me, but at the same time, he wouldn't be able to survive very long without me.

I'm debating on whether or not to link this on my AIM again, bouncing between my desire to be heard and my desire to keep it all private.

I don't like anyone to know more about me than I know about them. I like to think I'm an open book, but I really don't want anyone to get inside. You can really mess a person up from the inside. I know. I've been told I've done it.

I think about people from my past, and sometimes wonder what it would be like to have them in my present. Read: Josh.

Since I'm drinking anyway.
My relationship with him was very unstable. We couldn't work us out. Immaturity maybe. But now I think I'm wiser, but I shouldn't because I think about him.

It's fucked up because I have someone great in my life, who is totally taking care of me. Maybe it's the curse of needing to know. Why can I have this great, working relationship now, but I couldn't before?

I think it's because we need eachother. That's right, NEED. You can need someone on a level that doesn't mean you stop breathing when they're gone, though, if you care enough about them, when it's over, part of you holds your breath anyway...

Fuck.

I need a life.

I have two more days of sitting around my house, being my bitter self, before I can go back to sitting in a classroom being bitter with a room full (not really full) of people I really don't respect anyway.

I don't respect many people. No one does anything incredible anymore. And because I'm thinking about suicide, you can say I don't really respect myself either, so fuck off.

I don't though. No one gives a shit, and if they do, they don't show it, or they don't do anything, atleast they don't when it really counts.

Don't cry over shit like 911, or your family member going overseas. Shit happens. People are meant to die, that's why we do. It's the particularly stupid people that do shit like sign up for the military, when, *gasp* they are signing up for the chance to die for their piece of shit country.

I'm bitter and drinking.

Fuck.

I told Eric this weekend that I'm bitter. He said he knows. He said I'm not always, but he's accepted it. He says car rides bring the worst of it out. I used to love driving my car, it was the moment of solitude that was refreshing. Now it's typically car sickness, or bored conversation, or dependency. Either way, I'm never alone anymore.

I'm bitter.

*takes another swig*

If I had the right fabric, I'd be created some new clothes for myself. Just something to be creative. I'm sick of this uselessness.

I'm sick of everything.

I'm bitter.

Why do I want to be heard? Who wants to hear this shit? No one gives a shit.

Fuck.

I'm bitter.

The end.

If there is a word, and I'm not just talking about Nihlists, if there is a word to describe the void which I am feeling, I am that word. I don't care, and I feel nothing.

Empty, yet fulfilled. At peace, even, with this sensation.

Taking out the Trash: a flash into memories.

That's what deleting old emails is really. I went back to 2001, cleaning out my mailbox. The last one, still undeleted, from my CA at NIU. She's giving the girls on the floor directions for using the bathroom. It was classic and hilarious.

I also saw my life through three boyfriends while cleaning house. Most of which were also deleted, unless they were some funny quote I have to save.

Others from friends I no longer talk to. That's the weirdest. Especially because none of the emails were ever negative. All fond memories from friends of long ago.

There was one from Brian N. It's a metaphor for why he and I will probably never click as friends. We just can't get over our history, which, is largely who we are to eachother today.

Maybe the same goes for anyone in my life. You either keep going with what you have (friendship), evolve with it, or say goodbye when it's gone.

Who do I think my current, for real, friends are now? Let's see:

Eric: we get along almost better as friends then lovers.
Kiel: Because we do still sort of hang out, when possible.
Bret: Cause we're totally getting married.
Jess: Cause we totally are married.
Brian T: We've made it through many good times and some bad times, but I think it will only stand to make us solid friends.
Vince: One of the only Hollywood people I still hang out with, and hopefully it will be more frequently.
Andrew: Cause I know if I try harder, we would hang out more often.
Kori, Robyn, Adam: They might make it past Olympia, Adam probably the most, Kori next.

Anyone else, I'm sure, on a Sims level is more just an aquaintance at this point. I don't keep in touch with anyone, and it's totally my fault. I get caught up in what's going on with my life, and well, begin broke and carless doesn't help.

Which reminds me, off topic, I might be getting a temporary shit car soon. Only $525 and well, it's a neon but if it runs, and will last like four months, I'll be golden. I just have to hope it happens. Cause if it does, I'm going to make plans to go hang out with everyone I need to, one night each, for two straight weeks.

I think that would be very good.

Turn email ghosts into something concrete.