I don't know what I was thinking when I thought I could put off my monologue until five hours before my audition. Maybe I thought I was just going to use the insanely obnoxious monologue I saw in Borders, without even memorizing that one. It was really simple, describe your morning in short, terrible sentences. I woke up. Pushed back the covers. Got out of bed. Went to the kitchen. Took out the milk. Got a pan. Poured milk into it. Except this much. That is for the cat. etc...

Instead, I'm going with a manic one I found that might be more age appropriate, even though the obnoxious one can be age appropriate if I make it that way. I could drone it out, then would be terrible, but, and I hate to say it, I'd use Carrie from TSA as my inspiration.

Last night I had a dream I was back at NIU, only the campus was more like a sub-division. I was waiting to get into the cafeteria, but Michelle didn't show up to let me in. You only had to flash your ID and resident pass. I could have faked it, but I didn't. When she did show up, it was late, and I just left, without talking to her really. I felt kinda bad. I was walking around campus, trying to get back to Josh's.

When I woke up, I couldn't help wondering what my Dekalb like would have been like if my dad wasn't such an influence on my life. He really messed certain things up for me. He pressured me toward Chris, while Yessica insisted that Josh and I were in love. My dad did not like Josh at all. Thought he was snobby. Mostly because Josh never talked to him. He'd always go straight toward my room, even when I wasn't readily available. But Josh isn't totally great with families. I remember talking to his mom more than him, on certain visits to Normal.

Christ, but the point should be, why these dreams? We saw Boomstick! last night, and one of the Deadites had Josh's build exactly. I thought it was him, under that mask. And I wanted to tell Josh that he didn't have giantism, he was like every other tall, skinny boy I know. But he grew up thinking he was an elf, so I wouldn't want to take that away from him. If only he was nerdier, in personality, then I wouldn't have had to learn to hate parts of him. But maybe it's just that I can't stand theatre people. Love the stage, hate the people on it. I know they're supposed to be weird, and live life differently, but they live it obnoxiously. With all that's fake in the world, it's only worse to find substance in an actor. They're whole life is based on benig something that's not real.
I used it to escape myself. It's easier to be someone else, than to own up to who you are. Not that being who you are is bad, but it's fun to shake it up, without being a poser and rebuying your whole wardrobe every six months to change images.
And this is the point where I see that this is my therapy. Aren't you lucky, you get to read what is normally confidential. Me, rambling, sometimes mindlessly, only it's not to a therapist for $300 an hour.

Too bad I can't just ramble for my monologue. I'm sure I could get two minutes of something out there. But the key is, the person I'm auditioning for is 'obnoxious'. I have to work along those lines. I should have asked what the show was. But it's like me to just run blindly...into oncoming traffic.

Saw Boomstick! tonight with Kiel. Going to see shows with Kiel is easily becoming one of my favorite activites. This show was amazing. Hilarious parts including, but not limited to, Arthur straightening his chest hair, Ash lying in a kiddie pool, screaming about pain while staying still, and a nerdy S-Mart employee lap dancing a red stobe light.

*glee*

All in all, it's Swell!

Bullshit is another way to wake up to.

http://www.cnn.com/2004/LAW/08/12/samesex.marriage.ap/index.html

It's like, these people don't count as citizens, because they have no rights as far as the government is concerned. I mean, if all these assholes that believe in marriage between a man and a woman, can't stand people who actually love eachother getting married, they should buy us a great big paradise island, so we can get off their hellhole continent. I hear all sorts of arguments, and it amazes me. Using candidates for president suck up to EVERYONE, for their vote, like when white man gave black man the vote, to have more votes, to later take that vote away...mysteriously...
But really, I've been to Pride Events. They HATE Bush. But they also seem to blindly follow Kerry, like nobody's business. I don't believe in anyone running. I believe in Anarchy. Atleast in Anarchy, people can choose the way they want to live, and fighting for that way of life produces results.

But then again, I don't believe in marriage, because I can't even date a person for long periods of time, so when two people can, I think it's better for them to focus on them, and what they have, and their life together, than saying a piece of paper will make it different. Or change forms, I was going to get married, legally, by a Wiccan, and they're all about the girl on girl love, so sucks to gov'nor, and find a better away to your loved ones heart.

Last night I had a dream that left me feeling quite alone when I woke up. Or is it lonely?

Dan had come over to my house. But it wasn't now. It wasn't then. It was an alternate timeline, where we held no animosity. He came over, and we fooled around, almost having sex, except he stopped it, claiming he heard something. I was a bit frazzled, but we stopped nonetheless. As soon as we finished dressing, I went to the kitchen to start washing dishes, and my mom comes home. hmm.
Then there is a crowd of people at my house. Mostly boys, from my past. Jason Schindler is there, and he's thin and cute. Someone else is there, kind of like PJ. I had thrown all the clothes in the laundry, so I spread clean one all over the floor, for us to line dance on. Which we did. 20 of us or so, line dancing in my living room. Glimpses of my attempt to take Mark Summers down, flashed through my brain. A family and I went on the show just to take him down, for being an OCD, and rigging parts of the game, when he turned out to be a drag queen OCD.
The line dance was over and people where taking my clothes to the basement. Like anxious people, so exciting to be cleaning up my clothes. Jason S, was trying to talk to me through the laundry shute. He was asking a question along the lines of, would I go out with him. It appeared as a note in the pocket of my pants, but then morphed into an email in my account, that I could respond to.

I felt so loved because every person there, was there for the same reason. They all completely adored me.

Now when I wake up, I look at my cell phone, check my email, and feel very...alone. And cold, it's freaking freezing in here.

What the hell happened to summer?

Talked to this girl Erin today. She says she's going to help out with my photoshoot, as makeup/hair stylist. I'm so psyked. I talked to her once, and I'm excited to work with her. She sounds really cool, and she works in the same parking lot as I used to, in Naperville, so I'm going to have no problem dropping in on her at work. bwahahahaha.

She thinks my idea to do flapper, and peachy keen 50's girl stuff is really cool, too, which only makes me feel even better about doing the shoot. We're going to have soooo much fun!

Now if only I could get around to planning the all girl slumber party....=P

Existing lies.

A conversation with Colby, and I figured it out. My perpetual struggle to be as honest as I can be has always failed because we are existing lies. Everyone lies, just by socially interacting. You can't be honest with everyone, because you're bound to say something that doesn't agree with someone else, then you're in trouble. Honesty isn't nice. No one really wants to hear the truth, when I lie pleases them so much more.

I can't tell someone I don't like hanging out with them because they make me uncomfortable, I think they're obnoxious, or it's just too much work to hang out. I can't even have the feelings I have because there seems to be a statue of limitations of emotions. I can't have feelings for someone I haven't seen in years, I can't have feelings for someone I only knew briefly, and I most certainly can't hate someone I once cared deeply for. But I think I'm getting the hang of it anyway, atleast in Dan's case, but that's what I was supposed to do, right? I'm not supposed to care for him, so not caring for him, is the correct thing to do.

The hanging out with people being difficult is a problem for me, because there are some really fun things I do when I am social. Like Market Days on Sunday. That was fun. I saw men in drag, dressed like Hedwig and Bernice from Priscilla. It was fabulous. I don't know what it is about men in drag, especially older men, who are a little pudgy.

Then there was watching Tommy and Gale pinch the butt of a cute blond guy in a untility kilt. That was great too. Loud gay men are wonderful, especially when they crack jokes about being the only guy in a group of girls. Like it matters. hehe

Then there are people like Todd, who I'm thankful to have in my life, because we bonded so well Day One, but now I feel like because we haven't been able to hang out at all, we always seem to talk about the one thing that brought us together, and well, Mr. Josh Weckesser already has enough ego for the world. My last conversation with Todd, I kept thinking, I'm so glad we're talking about something else, but then he had to go. I'd like to hang out with him more, but now he's in New York, which ironically, gives him a better chance to see me, than when he lived in Champaign.

But I've also become terrible at talking on aim. It's like I can't hold a decent conversation like I was once able to, so I don't know why I even install aim on my computer, except in the hope that I am able to keep in touch with these people.

Thos distant people equally Jason Forester, Jon Lillard, Jon Legat, Bret Swanson, Brian Tracy, Chad Ramos, etc. Yeah, maybe I'm not in too much danger of losing Brian, but the others I never talk to otherwise. But I know if I made a better attempt at doing things outside of my house, I wouldn't have to rely on aim, or the internet.

Speaking of Jason F, I really want to have a party for him. Apparently his computer sucks big time. I think a fund raiser party for him would be such a great idea, and I miss him. I have people like him in my life, that I've been able to get along really well with, bond with, but never see anymore. The only reason we lost touch was because I moved away from Dekalb, and his computer sucks. /sigh.

Tonight I was watching That 70's Show. It was the episode Ben was in. It made me miss Ben a little. There was no reason for me to lose touch with him, well, other than Erin, who I still can't not be mad at. So part of me wants to call him, to say, I'm sorry for whatever, how are you?

If I could live my life, so open, so honestly, I wouldn't have to worry about whether or not I was holding onto people in my life, because I'm sure I'd lose quite a few more. But what the hell, let's get a few things out anyway.

One) I don't think I like Dan anymore, in any context. Especially if anything Vanessa told me about him is true, but that doesn't stop me from having certain feelings. Like, when I lie next to Kiel at night, and the way the shadows his face, and his eye smiles just like Dan's. And I hold onto that, and it makes me feel good, even if I'm embracing a trait I saw in one person, but it does carry over into the other. I couldn't like something about Kiel if it wasn't there to begin with, right? But it's not something I'd go out and tell him. Oh Kiel, I like to stare at your eye and bathe in the warmth of your smiling eyes, even though the way they smiled reminds me of ...

Two)Josh, you're annoying as hell, I can't stand the way you act around girls, and I can't believe I dated you, but more so, I can't believe I'm still curious about...

Three) ______, please leave me alone. I don't know what you thought we had, but I don't want it. I don't mind if you're my friend, but I hate the way you stare at me. It's creepy. I hate to think that you think about me, like that.

Four) I would honestly rather be a lesbian than to deal with the gross crap I have to deal with when a boy likes me.

I have two auditions this weekend. One for a movie, one for a play my friend Colby is putting together. I'd like both. I'd like to work on a stage with Colby. I think it would be fun, but that doesn't stop me from being nervous and start to think about how much I probably suck as an actress. I don't mind going up there and acting like I'm ok, and confident, but when it's over, I could still suck. And getting off the stage, and having even a whisper of that come back to me, would make me crawl back into a hole.
I auditioned for a play that Josh was lighting, and I got understudy. I officially quit it because I had to work nights for my dad, and there was no way he was going to support me long enough to do the play, but also, I quit because I was so disappointed in getting understudy. I kept thinking, I got understudy just because Josh was lighting it, and they didn't want to upset him, not that he would have been upset. Honestly, I don't think he EVER cared enough about me to actually give a shit about anything. Which is why I hate myself for feeling feelings I shouldn't.
Did I get a role because of who I knew? And even though I know that's how this biz works, it's all about who you know, can I be satisfied with that? I would never feel good about myself if my personality and my connections and not my talent made it for me.

I have to stop now.